JUST FOR LAUGHS

In all seriousness...!

Does that hold for all fans whose teams lost, Vincent, or is it only for Nigerian fans. We'd love to participate... Here's my bank account number, 45667890123, and my pin number is 1025. Nedbank, South Africa. Full name: Bernard Preston. Any other details you need?

CHIROPRACTOR'S DREAM MACHINE

Could a mishap on this dream machine cause a Tietzes Syndrome? You betcha! Direct trauma to the rib cage and breastbone by a steel Spinous Process could do some interesting things... TIETZES SYNDROME CaseFile ...

RUNNING LATE

Velly puny...

Just for laughs

A manipulator in Egypt is known as a Cairopractor.

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine .

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

'Missing' man dead in shower

Decomposing body found in hospital bathroom

Nov 29, 2009 11:05 PM | By Nkosana Lekotjolo

Itumeleng Motaung, who was admitted to George Stegman hospital in North West province, was found dead in the hospital bathroom more than two months after nurses reported him missing.

From the KERRYMAN

Well, this one isn't South African humour. It's even better! From the land of Murphy you'll love Laughs Kerryman. Dear Son, ...

Enjoy our Best Medicine - hope your survive the iatrogenic effect of our laughs!

An innovative way to stop thieves

South Africans have become world innovators in Crime-Stop. This man thought a lion on the loose in his workshop overnight might discourage thieves ...

Enjoying a SWEET PEE can be problematic in the bushveld.

ZAPIRO, SOUTH AFRICAN genius supreme!

This is the most popular way of seeing South Africa ...

TAKE THE ALZHEIMERS TEST

During a visit to the Town Hill mental asylum in Pietermaritzburg, I asked the director how they determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window or one facing the wall?"

SOUTH AFRICAN ROAD SIGNS

If you've been to South Africa before I'm sure you've seen a baboon before. Usually, in the game parks, you find them first in pictures where he's in the sights of a rifle, aimed at persuading visitors not to feed them.

This is a different view of our favourite ape, the Springbok rugby team coach. Anyone familiar with the South African bushveldt scene would recognise him. Or is he a clown? Defending Schalk Burger after an eight week suspension for foul play on a British Lions player, this ape said: "If we want to eye-gouge a lion, we normally go down to the bushveld."

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The only problem is that they often don't have brakes and managing the steeper gradients can be tricky ...

This croc however found something rather more challenging than a wheelchair maniac racing towards him. After the mosquito (and man!) these are the probably the two most dangerous animals in Africa. This time the croc came off second best ...

A familiar scene at the bottom of many a South African hill ...

It's only a short distance to the Casualty at the nearest hospital ...

And a South African street ...

And what we expats remember best ... The Tooth.

GOVERNED, a knife edge

Most of the world is sick and tired of politicians and being over-governed. Oddly, South Africans long to be governed - it may be irksome, but it does provide for a certain happiness in contrast to the mayhem of an ungoverned state.

"To be governed is to be, at every operation, every transaction, noted, counted, registered, taxed, stamped, measured, numbered, assessed, licensed, authorized, admonished, prevented, forbidden, reformed, corrected, punished."

- Pierre-Joseph Proudhon

PEANUT GALLERY, a presumed fictitious but fun conversation between Albert Einstein and an atheistic professor.